Garth Brooks used to be one of my most favorite music artists, next to George Strait that is. Who can resist those melodious strains of “Amarillo by morning…?” Of course this was during my ‘country music’ era which started sometime in college (my roommate was president of the AG club) and ended shortly after moving to Oregon. Those were some very good, yet strange and chaotic times.
But I digress… It was while I was pregnant with my now beautiful 15 year-old-daughter, that I first heard Garth’s song, Standing Outside the Fire. It was a snappy tune, carried a good beat, the message rang true, and the video brought tears to my heart. Then I had the infamous pregnancy protein test to illuminate our chances of having a child with a chromosome abnormality, most likely Trisomy 21. The results were not promising; there was a 1 in 197 chance that my innocent child would face a lifetime of physical and mental challenges. Moreover, due to my age, additional tests were recommended, among which was an amniocentesis, which carried with it a 1 in 218 chance of spontaneous abortion. There was also the decision to abort the fetus on the basis of the original test or wait until after the amniocentesis when more definitive information would be available.
I had married later in life and my husband was not a spring chicken. He already had two children and the thought of raising a third at this stage in our lives seemed daunting, especially a child of challenge. However, he courageously gave the final decision to me. Test, abort, no test, which test… it was confusing at best and decision making has never been my strong suit! I swirled in a state of turmoil. What would happen to my baby, my life, my marriage? The stress and pressure were enormous and suffocating. I needed help and guidance, anything to change the status quo. There was always the path of nothingness. This is where I usually ended up, just doing nothing. If you wait long enough, all your problems are solved by default. However that didn’t seem the responsible thing to do in this situation, as I felt the pressure from others lives in the balance. Here I was; Standing Outside the Fire. My doubts and fears engulfed me, paralyzed my brain to the point of stupor. I could not wait for the default decision.
At this point in my life, even though I had been raised in the ‘Mormon’ faith, my spiritual makeup was irresolute. Unlike my sister, whose path had taken her to a culture of Mormonism du Jour, my choices had flown with the crowd, kind of surfed along with society and it seemed to work for me, until now. I really wasn’t in for drastic change and I pretty much knew what her thoughts would be. However, she was my sister and I did value her input. Of course the logical step in her brain was to seek guidance in the form of a priesthood blessing – a rather typical Mormon response. Hum… would that even work for me? Let’s face it, lately my life choices had not been in line with the Mormon standard doctrine and I hadn’t been to church in years. Another decision on my plate of indecision!
I needed guidance and pretty much the only guidance I could find came from my sister. Everybody else was telling me to do what I felt was best. It seems that they were as lost as I was! I didn’t know what was best! That was the problem! So, with the small amount of faith I could garner, I asked for a blessing. With trepidation, I stepped into the fire. Totally unsure of the direction this decision would catapult me and my newly forming family.
I don’t remember the words of the blessing, only the feeling. I knew everything would be alright. I didn’t know what that would look like, just that everything would be alright! I didn’t know if my baby would be born with Down’s syndrome or not. There was no flash of insight on how this would affect my life or my marriage, just the firm, yet gentle impression that everything would be alright! My heart was calm, I knew it didn’t’ matter what challenges my child would face, we would face them together! I knew I didn’t need to risk an amniocentesis to tell me the genetic makeup of my baby. It didn’t’ matter! Everything would be alright! It seemed so simple after that. I did a little research into children and families living with Down's syndrome, just to know what I might be up against. I was in the midst of the fire and I was going to be alright.
The day our daughter was born I didn’t even count her fingers or toes. I didn’t have to. She was the closest thing to perfection I had ever experienced. Her spirit was indomitable and strong, straight from heaven. Today she stands as a strong, intelligent, athletic, and amazing daughter of God. I look up to her, pray for her, and will forever stand with her in the middle of the fire!
